Mr Eavis said his award-winning Holstein Friesians had been ‘acting very strangely’ after being let back into the grounds of his Worthy Farm used by campers at this year’s event.

“I am as liberal minded as the next man, but I promised my wife Liz that when the festival started to affect our livestock I would call it a day. To see farm animals high on mind altering drugs is very upsetting ” said the leftfield smokesmith.

“Over the past few days I have seen my otherwise docile Jersey Cows organise themselves into teams and compete against each other in the 100 yard dash. I have seen my prize winning ‘Chester White’ pigs lying on their backs, gazing up at the sky and just giggling for hours on end. And if you haven’t seen a chicken do the ‘moon walk’ you haven’t lived. I’d like to believe it was their tribute to Michael Jackson but I think they are just having a laugh at my expense. The only explanation I can give is that my animals have accidentally eaten left over drugs from the Festival. Trust me Tom Jones performing EMF’s “Unbelievable” is only the tip of a very large and strange iceberg.”

Talking from his bed at Moorhaven Psychiatric Hospital in Plymouth, Mr Eavis added ,

”I honestly fear for the future of the event that has been held on my farm since 1970. I have managed to turn a blind eye to the strange going’s on for a few years now but I am afraid my wife and family must come first. If my daughter ever saw our two shire horses sword fighting at two o’clock in the morning like I did last week I could never forgive myself.”

A spokesman for the South Devon Health Trust told our reporter,

”Mr Eavis is likely to remain on close observations for the foreseeable future.”

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‘Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched’, ‘Like Father like Son’, ‘Sickness in the body brings sadness to the mind’ and ‘Act like a hard man to hide your latent homosexuality’ are all well known sayings that we all tend to use from time to time.

However one such saying has been called into question today when Keith Richards, guitarist with Rock legends The Rolling Stones, revealed that he has one of the world’s greatest collections of moss. Talking to our Arts Correspondent Sally Belgrano Richards said:

“It is true I have been fascinated by it (Moss) for some time. Did you know that before there were shrubs, trees and flowers and before even dinosaurs, there was moss. Now at long last this prehistoric plant is finally starting to get the recognition it deserves. I have all kinds of moss at home, Haircap moss, Cushion moss, Fern (Moss) and possibly my favourite Rockcap moss. What I love about it (Moss) is that as far as maintenance goes, all you have to do is keep your moss clear of leaves and debris. This means I can go off on tour and drinking binges and stuff and it (Moss) will look after itself. It’s the perfect flora for the busy Rock and Roller”.

He (Richards) continued: “One thing that works great is quarter-inch black mesh netting. Lay it down before the leaves start to fall, then once the leaves have fallen, you simply roll it up. I find that you can use moss anywhere that you want to create a tranquil and serene setting. I have put it between flagstones, on patios, under trees, even in plant pots in my (bedroom). It’s smashing it really is”

Our reporter declined the offer of Richards moss for fear that she may become indebted to the aging rock star and possibly have to perform some kind of lurid (Sex) act on him at a later date.

However the fact that a Rolling Stone does appear to gather moss brings into question many other proverbs that we have up until now taken as gospel. Gavin Cologne Brookes Professor of Englishness at Bath Spa University maintains in his book ‘Truth is stranger than fiction’ that many traditional proverbs no longer apply in modern day Britain.

“To test the validity of one of the old English Proverbs I once lay my hat at an address in Central London. Four guards on horseback and six armed policeman insisted quite firmly that the garden at Kensington palace was is no way going to be my home”.

” ‘Blood is thicker than water’. Not if you’re suffering from acute Thrombocytopenia it’s not.”

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For scientists with experience of bluetongue virus, it’s always FFF – fever, face and feet. According to Dr Piet Van Rijn of CIDC Lelystad, the Dutch national reference lab for exotic disease, swelling in the limbs exerts such pain in cattle they dance on their feet.

Talking to our Agricultural correspondent, Van Rijn explained,

“We have not yet discovered the cause of what in Holland we call, ‘The Dancing Disease’. We know that cattle get swollen feet and that this can cause them to move about a bit, but we are not sure about whether the Cows actually enjoy it or not. Sometimes we feel they use it as an excuse to arse about at night”.

“There was an occasion when our complete livestock was infected. I remember being woken up at 2 o’clock in the morning by a loud noise coming from the lower field. To my amazement the entire herd were giving it large to ‘Come on Eileen’. To a Cow they were up on their haunches, front legs behind their backs, chests out, doing the dance made so popular by Dexy’s Midnight Runners in the early 80’s. Some of them had even managed to find bandanas”.

“God knows where they got the Hi Fi from but they had in on full blast. However as the disease appears to be caused by human error it is difficult to blame the animals. I just think they milk the situation that’s all”

With an outbreak of the bluetongue virus already confirmed in Norfolk as well as Suffolk, farmers are now bracing themselves for many sleepless nights.

Talking from his dairy farm in Woodbridge just outside Ipswich, Ged Melling told our reporter,

“If we have learnt anything from the Dutch experience it is that once the Cows know they have a diagnosis of the ‘Dancing disease’ they may act up a bit. Already I have seen a few of them doing the jitterbug when Glen Miller came on the radio and my wife believes she saw a group of them ‘moon walking’ past the kitchen window yesterday morning. However a full scale rave has not happened yet. We are anticipating the worst.”

Indeed farmers up and down the country are having to keep their music down low in case the Cows hear it.

Mr Pritchard from Leeds claims that he saw three Heifers hand jiving in a field as he drove past in his car,

“Admittedly the traffic was bad that day. It had virtually come to a standstill. I remember I had Elvis on and the windows were down. However I certainly didn’t expect to see what I saw. They were really getting into it. I almost felt cruel driving on to be honest.”

The government have at last woken up to the seriousness of the situation. Agricultural Secretary Bill Cummins issued this statement yesterday,

“Obviously we don’t know how long this outbreak will last or how extensive it may become. All we can advise is that the public should be aware of the dangers of potentially tens of thousands of Cows jiving across the countryside. This is not their normal behaviour. Their bodies are not designed to dance and accidents will inevitably occur”.

“All we can ask is that people remain vigilant and under no circumstances encourage the behaviour by playing loud music. There has already been a serious incident when a woman from Wolverhampton broke her leg attempting to teach a jersey Cow to Foxtrot. Is it not obvious that Cows will never understand the concept of quick, quick slow? Even my wife has problems with that one, for fuck’s sake!”

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