Pisces
January 29, 2008
Help with an ethical matter will be forthcoming this week. Follow a friends advice regarding a moral dilemma that has been troubling you for some time. A surprize source of income could come your way. You have discovered that a distant relative has recently been diagnosed with colon cancer and that the prognosis is poor. She is a spinster and has no close relatives. Even better she owns a four bedroomed detatched house in Lewes, just outside fashionable Brighton. You were always her favourite nephew and she would send you a £10 W.H.Smiths token every christmas. However you haven’t had any contact for over 15 years as, to be honest, ‘you found her and her cats rather dull’.The dilemma you are considering is whether or not to suddenly take a keen interest in Cancer research and ‘quite by accident’ bump into Auntie Pam whilst fund raising in Eastbourne District General Hospital. This obviously will set off a chain of events resulting in you inheriting £500,000 worth of real estate.
Or do you keep a discrete distance, accept that you never really had much in common and send a respectful wreath come the day of her funeral.
With Mars and Venus in conjunction with your home planet Mercury, astrologically this is an ideal time to put your morals to one side and sail on the good ship ‘Family Fortune’. Many a pair of Jimmy Choo’s have been bought this way. As Nietzsche wrote in ‘The Birth of Tragedy’,
” True all credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth comes only from the senses… But I’d stop all this deep thinking lark for an elderly relative with Alzheimer’s and a Swiss Bank account “.
Aquarius
January 29, 2008
Maintain a positive attitude and things will naturally flow your way this week. Tell a few jokes [not the one about the baseball bat and the care home assistant], and keep things light and energetic. You will find that you can multi-task very well, and that you have the built-in ability to make everyone around you smile. Don’t shy away from things, move toward them. Put away your self-doubt that has lingered ever since that road traffic accident last month. If her parents had enough time to fit stabilizers on the bike surely they should have thought about the lights as well !!.
Further with Mercury now communicating with Venus you should be thinking of starting that orthodontic treatment that you have been putting off for so long. Let’s face it, the over bite is never going to come back into fashion.
Capricorn
January 29, 2008
A very difficult two and a half years is coming to an end as of next week. There have been many hard lessons learned and you must be feeling tired and drained. Starting with the parking ticket way back in July 2005 , and culminating in being placed on the Sex Offenders Register in October 2007, these have been desperate times. However, with Saturn now on your side, things will change for the better.
Beware, please don’t let your upturn in fortunes adversely affect your health. The tendency will be for you to blow caution to the wind and live it up, but remember, your restraining order doesn’t allow you to travel within the M25 , so limit your social activities to the Home Counties.
As we get closer to the December holiday be prepared to make some changes in the way you deal with others, especially close family members. It would also be a good idea to check your brake cylinders, possibly as early as next Tuesday.
Sagittarius
January 29, 2008
No matter what you are doing today, have fun with it, dear Sagittarius. Whistle a tune or sing a song. Turn the stereo up to full volume and dance around your kitchen as you make dinner. Remember that you can find amusement in just about anything, even terminal illness, so keep this in mind as you tackle even the most revolting of tasks .
You are responsible for your own attitude. If you wanna be a right pain in the fanny you can be. Don’t blame anyone else for your sour mood. So when you start nagging your partner to get off his fat arse and help with the kids realise that he has been out at work all day and perhaps he deserves to be lying on the couch with a can of Tennant’s Super Lager and this weeks copy of ‘Nuts’. Turn yourself around and in the words of Crosby, Stills and Nash, ‘Love the one you’re with’, even when everyone around you, including your three sisters and psychiatrist, are telling you to leave the useless bastard.
Scorpio
January 29, 2008
There are days when you will feel truly wonderful this week Scorpio. If you are thinking about changing careers my advice to you is ‘Go for it’. With the Moon entering Pluto success is virtually guaranteed. I’d go as far as to tell your present boss to stick his job up his fat arse. Similarly, if you are contemplating leaving your partner and kids for that young dental nurse you have been seeing, there is no better time to do it. Let’s face it , you have been in a loveless marriage for years and the evidence connecting lack of sex with testicular cancer is now unequivocal .
If you should suffer from any residual guilt about leaving your wife with three young kids simply drink more. There is nothing quite like a bottle of Vodka to put you in the right and your partner in the wrong.
Libra
January 29, 2008
You certainly are in a strange mood this week, Librans.
True, things have been running unusually smoothly for you the past few days, but be careful not to fool yourself. Pride comes before a fall, as they say. With Jupiter’s moon’s entering Saturn , a Schizophrenic breakdown is a distinct possibilty. However, relax. Recent developments in neuroleptic medications have now reduced the demonic voices to a near whisper and as long as you prepare for the occasional debilitating tactile hallucination you should be able to live an independent life away from the institutions that your cousin grew up in.
For all you drug addicted Librans beware! The extremely dry summer in Afghanistan has adversely affected poppy production and this will greatly increase the price of street heroin sometime next week. If you have the funds stock up now while you can.
Virgo
January 29, 2008
First the good news. This week Virgos, you will be offered the trip of a lifetime. A free first class plane ticket and £10,000 cash to travel around the world at your leisure for the next 12 months. The bad news is however you will have to refuse the offer. With global terrorism due to reach it’s peak in 2008, it would be total madness to leave your house let alone the country. Sure the Taj Mahal is considered the finest example of Mughal architecture there has ever been but what good is that when you are likely to arrive back at Heathrow with your legs in the hand luggage. The Great Pyramids of Giza are probably the most recognisable manmade structures in the world but who wants to end up on News at Ten in an orange body suit surrounded by knife wielding freedom fighters ?.
On a brighter note, Sony are promising to reduce the price of their Playstation 3 this week, so there could never be a better time to stay indoors with the lights off and shutters down.
Leo
January 29, 2008
If you have any leanings towards the arts: music, literature, painting or the like, this definitely is not the time to be pursuing any interest in them. Let’s be honest, any attempts you have made at establishing a fulfilling and creative career have met with abject failure. Accept the fact that Senior Housing Officer at Brent Council is probably where you will remain until retirement. Thereafter you will be too tired and browbeaten to follow your dreams and will probably die bitter and twisted like your father, with a penchant for cheap T.V and even cheaper cider.
On a brighter note, if you are planning to take a weekend break this weekend, Broadstairs is running a 2 nights for the price of 1 offer in 75% of it’s hotels. With the Moon in Uranus, anywhere on the South Coast would appear to be a safe option.
Cancer
January 29, 2008
You may be feeling reluctant about committing to anything major today Cancer. Your natural tendency is to be hesitant toward those who promise grand and wonderful things. This is hardly surprizing given your track record with the opposite sex [or same sex, if you happen to be of a gay personage] . Let’s face it, you have never really read the signs too well have you. Your lack of social skills has always been a potential problem and to be brutally honest one cannot completely rule out Asperger’s Syndrome.
Basically there are a lot of people out there trying to do you harm this month and it is probably best to stay inside for long periods of time if at all possible. Don’t be surprised if a great number of people start trying to sell you tuppleware .For Godsake, don’t buy into anything without being aware of all the facts first. There is a great deal of cheap imitation plastics out there at the moment so put your money away. It is also not a good week to radically change your diet. With your moons in Neptune, almost anything could happen in the plumbing department.
Gemini
January 29, 2008
You will find that discipline and organization with a bit of a dramatic flair are exactly the things that you need in order to be successful this week. However just because you may need to be practical doesn’t mean that you should be stern and grumpy. So even though that N.H.S. Health and Safety report has to be in by 10 o’clock prompt on Monday morning doesn’t mean that you should be short changing your partner sexually over the weekend. Remember what happened last time you failed to live up to your early sexual promise ?. You did not see them for dust did you. Rumour has it they are now living in Hertfordshire with three lovely children and have never been happier in all their lives. Just a thought !
On a more positive note, with your planets now entering Jupiter, it is now probably safe to start buying cheese again.