Vatican Updates Seven Deadly Sins

March 11, 2008

Pope Benedict XVI If you are someone who doesn’t return your library books on time you may be risking more than just a fine - you may be putting your soul at risk of eternal damnation, according to a 21st century Vatican makeover of the seven deadly sins.

Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, responsible for absolving Catholics from their sins, named the new mortal sins in an interview with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano.

The original seven deadly sins as defined by Pope Gregory the Great in the sixth century: pride, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, wrath and sloth have been joined by what some critics are saying are just Pope Benedict’s ‘pet hates’

The new list of sins are:

1) Holding an American passport.
2) Returning a library book after an unacceptably long time
3) The buying of plates that are supposedly a ‘limited edition’ even though 10,000 have been produced and that normally commemorate some event or have a kitten or fighter plane on them.
4) Calling people ‘friends’ that you only know from Myspace.
5) The Beckhams.
6) Having too many items in your basket when in the ‘express’ lane at a supermarket.
7) Owning a copy of “Shaddap You Face” by Joe Dolce.

As the seven ancient wonders of the world were matched by seven modern wonders, the seven deadly sins have been given a makeover.

“New sins have appeared on the horizon of humanity and there are more things nowadays that you should definitely have a red-hot poker shoved up your bloody arse for”, stated a Vatican official yesterday.

Pope Benedict went on to say: “God is offended not only by stealing, blaspheming or coveting your neighbour’s wife but by queues, dim talentless media-whores and Americans”.

“There are, of course, repercussions for those who God describes as ‘special cases’, such as divorcees, homosexuals and the cast of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’. The Pearly Gates will definitely be shut and they won’t be having a bit knees-up with the Choir Invisible either”.

Pope Benedict XVI is German.

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