Fidel Castro announces retirement
February 25, 2008
Cuba’s ailing leader Fidel Castro has said he will not accept another term as president, ending 49 years in power.
“I neither will aspire to, nor will I accept, the position of president of the Council of State and Commander in Chief.” said Castro. “That honour is to be decided by you, the people.”
The 81-year-old has handed over power temporarily to a panel of judges for the forthcoming series of ‘Cuba’s Got Talent.’ In an unprecedented move the panel is to be comprised entirely from non-Cuban nationals. “This is to make sure that there is no favouritism and to open up the competition to outsiders. We all know Cubans are corrupt as hell,” said Castro.
Appearing via video-link from his cell, Japanese cult leader Shoko Asahara (who has been sentenced to death for masterminding the 1995 Sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway), rotund fame-junkie and former ‘comedian’ Ricky Gervais (notable for his ill-concieved fly-on-the-wall documentary The Office) and Grammy award-winning paedophile Michael Jackson, make up the panel of judges.
In a surprise turn of events Simon Cowell of ‘Idol’ fame declined the opportunity to be a judge stating that he would prefer to be a contestant, “I am a strong contender, I think my treatise on fiscal policy and nuclear re-armament will speak for itself. Besides ” said Cowell “Shoko and I go back a long way – he owes me one.”
There are no talent boundaries, hygiene restrictions or automotive expertise required, so expect plenty of the French to be auditioning.
The audition process is similar to The Gong Show but with the judges pressing buzzers instead of banging a gong. The buzzers can only be pressed once if the judge has seen enough, and when all three are pressed the act must stop. The auditions also include the added twist of having to perform in front of a live studio audience alongside the judges. Once the act finishes or is stopped, judges express their opinions and decide whether they would like to see them in the semi-finals, with acts needing to receive a majority vote to go through. The predominately male audience (Cuban women not being allowed the vote) is invited to express their views, often by throwing live chickens or offering their daughters up to be defiled, which may have a positive or negative impact on a judge’s decision.
After all the acts have performed, phone lines open for a short time. After the votes are counted (bearing in mind that only 27 people have a phone in Cuba) the act who polled the highest number of public votes will be automatically placed in the final. The judges will then choose between second and third most popular acts, with the winner of that vote gaining a place in the final. All other acts are then eliminated - literally.
The show will air in March 2008.
Ex-President Bill Clinton stated that he was particularly looking forward to the ‘election’ as he put it, “A move like this should cement Cuban-American relations and, on a personal note, I will be eternally grateful that there will no longer be a trade embargo on cigars”
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