UK Investment Bank Employs Prostitutes.
February 11, 2008
A major UK Investment bank has responded to an increase in sexual harassment cases by employing prostitutes.
It appears that last year over £1.2m was awarded to victims of sexual harassment by the institution. In an attempt to reduce this cost the bank has decided to allow it’s staff a budget to spend on prostitutes.
“We hope that the reduction in sexual tension will allow a better working environment for our staff and increase productivity,” a spokesperson for the human resources department said today.
The scheme employs a ‘voucher’ system where vouchers can be exchanged at local brothel for items on a ’sex menu’, such items include Straight, Norwegian, One-for-the-vicar, Barnsley-shunt and Slow-comfortable-felch-against-the-odds.
Tim North a bank employee, said “This is a lifesaver – if I feel the urge to call a female colleague ‘darling’ or maybe ’sweet-cheeks’ instead of being done for harassment or stalking I just take a trip down to Tallulah’s and ‘harass’ some of the girls there – know what I mean…”
‘Madame’ Tallulah McTavish who works at the establishment has reported a record turnover this quarter and had this to say about the bank’s Managing Director and Chief Executive Officer Sir Jonathan ‘Tallywhacker’ Fairford,
“Jonty and me go back a long, long way. I’ve known him ever since we first met in those heady days back in the ‘80’s when Jonty was just a trader on the stock market floor. In fact I introduced him to his third wife Olga-Katarzyna when we were at a scrabble tournament with Neil and Christine Hamilton.”
Mr. Fairford has stated that he would like to extend the scheme to providing subsidised Class ‘A’ drugs to its staff. “There’s no reason why someone at our bank who’s completely off their tits can’t do their job as well as anyone else. I myself, am frequently three-sheets-to-the-wind during international trade negotiations”
Mr. Fairford is in no way connected with the W.I.
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2 Responses to “UK Investment Bank Employs Prostitutes.”
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I am very interested in the scheme you have outlined in the article above.
At present I work as the head of a large multi national company based in the Norwich area. We too have problems motivating our workers and I feel that certain ’staff incentives’ could greatly increase productivity.
I would be grateful if you could post details of the scheme to the email above.
Many thanks,
Andrew Miller,
Bishop of Norfolk,
Cathedral Church of the Holy and Undivided Trinity
Norwich.
I feel a bit miffed that such incentives are aimed at MPs and other professionals. I am a quiet model train enthusiast and I have never managed to find a job where I can even talk to women, let alone enjoy a lovely warm cuddle with a lovely lady like the one featured here